Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mom's 30th Day Hospital Rant

I think I've done a fairly good job of holding in anger and frustration in a public fashion along this roller coaster journey thus far, but this morning's suture episode has broken me.  I am going to post a rant here, and I'd rather not have comments right now that tell me what should have been done in this situation because it's over and done with.  I just want to journal what has occurred and what I am feeling as the helpless mom to my warrior princess who has been through so much.  My prayer is that one day Chrissie will get to read this journey through her momma's eyes via this blog, and I can't keep in my thoughts right now; I need Chrissie to know how I grieve for her and her situation.

My intentions are not to criticize hospital staff or doctors.  It is what it is.  There's nothing I can do to change things.  And that's mostly why I'm ranting right now.

Helpless.

Chrissie is helpless.

Momma is helpless.

Neither of us can do anything to change the situations and crises that seem to occur around here on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times/day.  One consistent thing is that Chrissie seems to like throwing the monkey wrench at morning shift change.  (Glad she waits till the  new staff is arriving, fresh and ready to tackle the day, plus more doctors are here making rounds in the mornings.)  So, the timing is OK, it's just that I'm always feeling helpless.  I can voice my opinion and advocate for my daughter, but in the end, I can't do anything to relieve the situation.  I can't take away the pain.  I can't take away the tears.  I can't pick up my crying daughter and hold her and tell her that everything is going to be OK.  I can't kiss the boo-boo.  This is what moms do.  I think the toughest thing about being here is that I can't do the typical fix the boo-boo things that moms are notorious for.

I am sitting here crying as I type this.  I don't cry easily.  Those of you who know me are familiar with my prayer that God would circumcise my heart to remove the calluses and expose me to the raw emotion type of agape love for others that only comes through God.  The kind of love that God gives us.  That's the kind of love that I've asked God to give me so that I can give it to others.  God has been doing a mighty work renovating my heart over the past 8 years or so, since I really began to pray this prayer about circumcising my heart.  Part of what His work looks like for me is the ability to cry with empathy, sympathy and emotional pain for others.  I used to have such a calloused heart that I didn't cry for the orphan.  I didn't really care that children in other countries who have defects such as Down Syndrome end up being chained to metal cribs with no clothing or food or stimulation or diaper changes for 23 out of 24 hours/day, with the hopes that they'll just wither away over time so that they do not burden anyone.  My heart was so calloused that I would just ignore the hurts around the world.  I mean, if it was my own child, sure I would cry if they had a severe illness or high fever or major boo-boo, and surely I'd attack with Momma Bear claws if someone were to torture MY child, but I wouldn't react with that same type of love for someone ELSE's child.

Then God started doing a great work in my heart.  He opened my eyes to others instead of self.  He caused me to hurt, physically and emotionally, for the orphan who is forgotten and hurting.  He brought 3 orphans into my life to forever change me, inside and out. 

This hospital experience with Chrissie, an orphan who was once the love of no one's heart, has changed me more than any experience I've ever been through.  More than marriage.  More than childbirth.  More than anything I've ever been through.

That is why I sit here in tears typing up my rant.  My love for my Serbian Sensation does not differ from my love of my bio son, Parker, my Colombian daughter, Meribeth, my bio daughter, Mattie, my bio son, Sawyer, or my Haitian son, Kiefer.  Chrissie is my beloved daughter, whether she was delivered from my womb or delivered from my God.  There is no differentiation in my heart. 

So, back to my rage that fueled this rant:  When I was told this morning that they were going to have to suture this chest tube back in, my first question was, "So, are they going to give Chrissie a local anesthetic?"  The nurse said no, that she had given her some extra IV morphine for it. 

Inside, I knew that wasn't going to be enough.  My daughter has been on morphine for weeks now.  One extra dosage of morphine will chill her out, but it does NOT take away the pain of stitches!!!  (I've requested extra morphine for Chrissie on occassion when she's in pain from being repositioned or messed with or when her shingles outbreak was bothering her, and the extra morphine relieves some of the anxiety and mild pain, but I knew that extra dosage would not relieve the pain of enduring stitches.)  So, I asked what other meds Chrissie currently had in her system.  Oral Chloryll and her regular IV meds.  Since I've been by my daughter's side 24/7 for 30 days now, I know this combo is not enough to help my daughter not feel the stitches.  Chrissie was due for her oral Ativan and Methadone, but those take 30 minutes to work since they're oral (which are given in the feeding tube so they can go into her stomach).  The nurse had to hold some of Chrissie's oral meds in the night so that her blood pressure didn't drop too low.  (She also had to go up on Dopamine to .7 to keep her blood pressure up high enough, just FYI.)  This meant that Chrissie didn't have the "good" pain meds in her system since the orals had worn off and were due at the same moment she would endure having stitches placed in the side of her abdomen.  (Which, by the way, were not administered until after her procedure, when I requested something be done to help relieve my daughter's tears and pain after it was all said and done.)

Everything happened so quickly this morning after I was notified of this procedure, so I realized we were in another dire situation where they were acting quickly.  My guess is that they were concerned the right lung would collapse (or perhaps it already was collapsed) by the build up of fluid that needed to be drained rapidly.  As I was sitting beside Chrissie, crowded by people and equipment, I continued to question anesthesia and pain meds, but the doctor began stitching the hole around the chest drainage tube closed as I questioned things in a non-successful manner.  Blood was pouring down Chrissie's side as tears poured from her eyes.  There was nothing I could do.  Chrissie's blood pressure sky-rocketed (during the entire procedure), indicating she was feeling the pain of her sutures being placed.  I've never seen this amount of tears pour out of Chrissie's eyes since her 30 day stay in the hospital.  It was like a faucet had been turned on, and the tears were literally steadily streaming from her eyes, while her head lay turned to the side, on her right cheek.  It looked like a faucet of tears running across Chrissie's nose and onto the cloth that lay beneath her right cheek.  The tears didn't come one at a time crododile tears as I've seen before. This was a steady stream, for about 10 minutes.

Do you know how helpless I felt?!?  I could do NOTHING but watch my daughter "bawl" as she lay paralyzed on a hospital bed being sewn up.  No ability to say how much it hurt, no ability to say, "STOP, I need more medicine, no ability to scream, no ability to thrash, no ability to kick or hit or protect herself from this pain because of the medically induced paralysis.  The only mechanism Chrissie could control were her tears, which she shed heavily.  I soaked up her tears and told her how sorry I was, but there was NOTHING I could do to take away the pain.

The suture ordeal lasted no longer than ten minutes, but the tears continued to stream from Chrissie's eyes for another five minutes, still with high blood pressure, and then tears pooled instead of streaming for another 10-15 minutes after the procedure.  I kissed my princess, rubbed her hair, stroked her forehead, prayed over her and continued to soak up the tears, but what I wanted to do was pick my child up, wrap her in my arms and rock her while she cried.  I wanted to protect her from the pain, but knowing I couldn't do a thing, I just sat here helpless and defenseless, much like Chrissie, only I have a voice, just no ability to do anything beyond speaking my thoughts.

So, I began to feel angry inside.  I began to boil as I saw the amount of blood that ran down my daughter's side during the suturing, imagining how painful this must have been, knowing Chrissie felt this because of her sky-high blood pressure as well as the fountain of tears.  Hard stuff to endure.  Harder for Chrissie than for me, but I am her mom, and I love her dearly, and no mom wants to see her own child suffer, particularly as she stands bedside and watches the suffering with an inability to stop the suffering.

God reminded me of the millions of orphans around the world who cry this same river of tears on a daily basis as they endure suffering day in and day out, only they have no mommy beside them to whisper words of comfort or wipe their tears from their tear-stained faces.  I was grateful that my former orphan was now home with her forever family, surrounded by a mother's love, and grateful that God gave me the ability to stay by my daughter's side, day in and day out, 24/7, so that she will always know how much I love her and how dedicated I am to her, my precious princess.  And even when I can't do anything to fix the boo-boo, I am here to wipe her tears and tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am that she's having to endure this pain.

And grateful that God does the same thing for us, day in and day out, 24/7.  He is here to wipe our tears, to show us His unending dedication to us, \to offer His unfailing love for us, to hold our hands and pick us up and rock us when we are willing to climb into His arms.  I'm fixing to crawl into His lap and let Him comfort me, knowing He has my daughter in the palm of His hand, and He wants me there, too.  Thank you is not enough.

PS  The post-suture, post-chest suctioning chest x-ray showed that it worked.  Chrissie's lung was no longer compressed by the fluid build-up.  Thank you, God, for medical staff who know their stuff and are willing to work quickly to fix boo-boo's, even when I can't do anything to relieve the pain and suffering.  Forever grateful to the staff at Methodist Children's Hospital!

Chrissie's photo about 30 minutes after her chest tube suturing.

May God circumcise your heart so that you will cry for the orphan and reach out to live pure and undefiled religion as expressed in James 1:27.
  

62 comments:

Jennifer said...

(((hugs)))! I have been praying for you both and anxiously checking in to read your entries, hoping each time I do that Chrissie is much improved!

Wendi Taylor said...

(((((((( hugs )))))))))

tracy grubb said...

I am crying,too, for you and for Chrissie's pain. I am so sorry what you had to go through this a.m. I am glad it worked, though. Our youngest was in the NICU on a ventilator and I remember seeing him cry, but not being able to scoop him up and hold him. I felt wrong - mothers are supposed to scoop up their kids and hold them when they are hurting. I am hoping that soon you will be able to scoop her up and hold her. I will keep you and Chrissie and your entire family in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.

Nora S. said...

I'm so, so sorry for your precious baby's pain-- I'm praying for Chrissie and you Lorraine--I'm praying God wraps his arms around your little girl and she feels His arms holding and comforting her. Rest in His arms Lorraine. You are His precious child and you are an amazing mother, the chosen mother for your precious princess.

-Nora

Donna said...

Crying right there with you. I can't help but think of my own daughter laying there with tears streaming and my heart breaks a thousand times. Of course, I don't want to constantly look at Chrissie and see my daughters but it's impossible for my mind not to "go there".

I hope this is all over soon and Chrissie is out of the woods and on a solid path to full recovery!

Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!

June Berger said...

Praying for your Momma's heart. Praying for your Serbian Princess.

Matushka Anna said...

Lorraine,

I know this sounds odd coming from a perfect stranger:

I want to wrap my arms around you and let you cry and tell you it will be alright.

I'm many states away and cannot be there physically to give you a hug. But I'm sending you one by prayer.

In Christ,

Matushka Anna

Lisa said...

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Jhon 14:27
We love you and we love Chrissie..

Dana said...

Lorraine,
My heart breaks for you as I can only try and imagine what you are going through. It is truly an amazing testimony of your faith as you turned your "rant" into a beautiful description of the Father's love for us. . .

Dana
Franklin, TN

Susan A said...

Oh Lorraine, I am so sorry for the pain that Chrissie is going through and your pain too as you were helpless to do anything about it... I don't understand why the doctors didn't give her local anesthetic?? Poor Chrissie, I am praying that our Saviour will give mercy to her, for her to sense His presence... may the pain abate, let her have rest, and cause her body to be on the road towards healing, with no more setbacks.

kate said...

Ok, I kept waiting for your rant. You are an amazing woman and God has done an amazing work in you. I would have be screaming at them to stop! Just stop, can't you see it is hurting her? I am so so sorry she had to go through that, but I am so grateful you are by her side. I am so proud of you for keeping yourself together. I probably would have been escorted to the hall. She needed you there with her and you did that. I kept thinking of Jesus having his side pierced and the pain he went through. I guess my calloused heart has never understood the pain of that until now. Now tears are pouring down my face! I am glad that is over for her and pray in every future instance she will have adequate meds to keep her from feelig anything. I am glad I had no pain meds this morning so I could feel all of that. Sweet Chrissie, I pray that you will continue to walk this difficult road strongly. You have been fighting so long. Hang in there sweet girl! Praying that you and your amazing mother will be refreshed and ready to fight as long as it takes! Thanking for sharing. Bless you. May Chrissie have an extremely blessed day. And you too!

ashleypmo said...

Oh, Lorraine!! Bless your heart. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. PLEASE don't beat yourself up. I pray RIGHT NOW that Jesus will lift that burden from you. YOU are an AMAZING advocate for your daughter---YOU obeyed HIS calling and rescued her. That is sacrificial love at its most Christ-like. I am praying fervently that GOD will fade all of the memories of discomfort and pain from Chrissie's memory, that there will be nothing but this amazing bonding experience that comes from her mommy having been by her bedside during this time. ((((HUGS)))) to you.

Shelli said...

Tears in NC for you and Chrissie.... Poor baby...

Anonymous said...

Precious children of The King, Lorraine and Chrissie, I am praying and praising...God continues to hold you both is his lap of love and mercy and grace. He is calling you to his purpose as you help him circumcise the hearts of all who are following your journey. May you find infinite comfort in his grasp! Prayers continue....

cstaylor411-google said...

As one mom to another, I so wish I could be there to hug you right now! Prayers going up for both of you!

Another adoptive mom, Susan

reamesdm said...

HUGS and LOVE to you both!!!!!!

MoonDog said...

oh of course you are angry! and stressed out! and worn out! and tired! and just wanting to hold your baby girl! isnt that what any mama wants? just to hold her baby. sending hugs and prayers. its all I can do. wish it were more. but so many of us are here crying with you.

Redeemed1 said...

My heart just aches for you. You have been so strong through all of this. I can't imagine how difficult tall of this must be for you.

Designs by DD said...

Righteous Indignation (aka rant) is part of the array of emotions God equiped us with.

Continuing prayers for the Great Physician to keep showing human physicians his awesome power.

Jackie Egan said...

I have prayed for your sweet Chrissie from day 1. What you had to watch today and over the past 30 days is unimaginable. I have 4 sweet adopted children and am in the process of our sweet Ukranian princess off of Reeces Rainbow. I will continue to pray for you and your beautiful princess. God Bless,
Jackie Mom to 7 almost 8 of God's blessings.

Lori said...

You don't have to post this if you'd rather not... I know you said you don't want comments you just need to vent and so I don't wish to intrude. I just wish to let you know that I am SOOOO SORRY Chrissie had to go through that and that YOU felt so helpless! I look at the photo you posted of your precious girl and the tears are now streaming down my face. I know it can't compare to your heart as her beloved mommy but I want you to know you aren't alone--in your moments of rejoicing, in your prayers and even, in your tears. I wish I could make it all better for Chrissie as well. But I also know that wishes don't work--prayer does. Chrissie and you are driving that lesson home in a POWERFUL way! Lord, Your Child has suffered in the past 24 hours. I know YOU hurt even more when one of Your children is in pain. I ask that YOU hold her close today, allow her peaceful rest and work Your miracles to heal her lungs and bodily systems and organs. Comfort Chrissie and let her have no memory of the pain she endured at times to save her life! Hugs... Lori

Anonymous said...

Lorraine,

As the mother of a special needs child who has endured so much in his short life, I can empathize with your frustration in watching your child suffer needlessly. My heart aches for both you and sweet Chrissie. I am grateful that God has given you the strength for the continuing challenges that you face day in and day out. My prayer for you both is God's continued protection, provision, strength, courage and peace will cover you every moment of the day. In Christ, SR

Deb said...

I am so sorry for Chrissie's pain and in turn your pain as you watch. I feel helpless as I read your posts. Yet I know we are not without hope - we are not helpless - we are related to the greatest physician of all - and we can call on Him - and He hears us - He is always available. So I cry out for healing for our Serbian Princess. Lord, Thy will be done.

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry for Chrissie's pain and so sorry for hers. There is no reason she needed to suffer - they could have taken care of this better...good medical care includes good pain control!
Bridget

Kevin and Krista said...

Hugs from one mom of former orphans to another. Praying today is a day full of rest and healing. Emotional and physical.

In His love,
Krista

Lauren said...

Thank you so much for writing this! I'm so so sorry you had to endure this pain but I am so glad you chose to write about it. I've been following your blog for almost a month now. I heard about it through a friend. I live in Tampa, FL and I check on Chrissie and pray for her every day. I have been a good "church-goer" my entire life but have only recently discovered my need for a true relationship with my Lord and Savior. God has broken me and stretched me in unbelieveable ways in order for me to grow over the past couple of years. I know God brought me to this blog because there are a lot of things that have been posted that I desperately needed to hear. I felt like I was stuck and had a heart of stone for other people. I didn't like it and I didn't know how to change it. I have recently started praying for God to change my heart and teach me to love. I want to be able to love other people. Hearing that you used to be in this place and that God has changed your heart in such a way is very encouraging. I know God is changing my heart as well because there have been several occasions I have felt it breaking for Chrissie and your family and I've never even met you! Know that I will never stop praying for Chrissie and your family. Thank you so much! God Bless You!

Julie said...

Wow. I have been following Chrissie's story, and encouraging others to do the same. I am amazed by your selfless and pure love for your daughter, and thankful that God has provided you for her - to be by her side, to plead her case, and to show her the incredible love that Christ has for her. Praying for peace and rest today in that hospital room for both you and Chrissie! Thanks for keeping us updated so often and for pouring out your heart to us!

Barb said...

Holding you in my prayers as well as your beautiful daughter.

Hugs from someone who can understand the love for an orphan, Barb in Calif

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that ordeal. Not sure if I could have done it myself. Seeing your child suffering and not being able to "fix it" makes a person feel so helpless. The good thing is that GOD is there to comfort both mother and daughter. He makes us feel hopeful and gives us the strength to indure the pain no matter how long we have to go through it. And sometimes that strength is through anger and frustration.
We are praying for your family and little Chrissie. She makes my heart ache and I too want to help take away her pain.
The Phillips Family

Loydeth said...

Lorraine, I have been a follower of your blog for a long time. I live in Panama and found your blog through the Riggs family. I am a mom too and I can feel your pain. I am at work crying after reading your last blog. I will be praying nonstop for you, for your family, and for sweet Chrissie.

mommajeane said...

Oh Lorraine... I feel your pain and know your heart...May you feel Jesus's dear arms around you as you watch all the pain your precious daughter goes thru.We pray for you all continuosly..My kids ask all day long,"How is Chrissie doing?" I check thru the day and your blog is the first of the day and the last that I check.

mrsdlanemoore said...

I am in tears this morning on behalf of Chrissie and on behalf of you. I am so thankful that God is not helpless in any situation, but that He is indeed the Almighty. Love you!

manuelsmommy said...

I must say that my heart was breaking for you as I read that post. I was literally envisioning myself in your shoes, and that being my child and my heart was physically hurting. I can't even begin to imagine what you were feeling during the suturing. Knowing that there was nothing you could do, but moreso worrying about what your sweet precious child was thinking and feeling in those exact moments. UGH!! Please know that I am praying for your family. I may not know you all in "real life" but you've become very dear to me through this blog world and I pray that God comforts your hearts. You are SO strong and definitely a mommy worthy of praise!!

Love and prayers,
Christina Gomez

JTGsMOM said...

Hugs to you mama bear!

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. Thank you for your boldness. The honesty of a mom's heart. I cannot begin to imagine the heart wrenching feeling of not being able to help.
May God give you the peace that surpasses ALL understanding. May he rub your heart with healing balm.
~Misty

Carrie said...

Praying for you and your warrior princess. Yes, God hears our prayers and He IS mighty to save. I just want to hug you and Chrissie too, I've cried with you so much a hug would be good. We'll continue lifting Chrissie and her sweet mommy in prayer.
~Alvarez family

Anonymous said...

Lorraine- I just love her. I am just heart broken for all that she is going through. It just rips our hearts out knowing that you are having to endure all of this and not be able to physically help. We know that our Loving God is in control. But that doesn't mean we don't hurt. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her picture. She looks like a little you! She is such a doll. It's just killing me too. Just know that we are praying for you all.
Love in Him, Nadine

Alice said...

Oh Lorraine,
I only know you from this blog, but, dear sister in Christ, I sure wish I could be there with you right now to listen to your rant! Just know that I am sitting here "with" you right now. Crying tears of frustration and grief with you! All the while, praising our God for His amazing faithfulness. Begging Him for mercy and healing on sweet Chrissie's body. Pleading for rest, strength, and refreshing for you and your family. He is not only changing your heart, He is sharing His own. He must endure the suffering of all, everywhere, all the time because of who He is. May He fill you with His peace, comfort and rest.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that both of you went through that today!!!! I don't blame you for being upset- that is heartbreaking thinking of Chrissie going through that!!! Sending (((HUGS))) and lots of prayers!!! You amaze me at your strength, but then I do know that God is your rock- and just as you will not leave Chrissie, He will not leave either one of you. There is comfort in that knowledge.


Kayla

Lacey said...

I'm so sorry. I cry as I read this, going through the same thing with my baby boy. He was on vec and was paralized. He'd been intubated for 2 months, and drugs no longer affected him, much like Chrissy. They started to put an art line into his wrist, and tears poured out and his face twitched. I screamed at them to stop, that they were hurting him. It was the worst experience I've ever had with him. The inability to pick him up and hold him! I'm so sorry my friend!

Robin Wilson said...

I know you don't want comments, but you should know that I cry with you and Chrissie. We are still praying for her constantly, and we are still certain of God's grace and mercy. God is not just circumscribing your heart, He is actively circumscribing hearts all over the world through Chrissie!

Ang said...

Praying these will be words of encouragement. As I read your post, I couldn't help but reflect on the parallel between Mary and Jesus at His crucifixion and yourself and your daughter.

Starting in Luke~
Luke 2:34-35 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

And in John~John 19:25 "Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother..."

I can only imagine what it must have been like for Mary to witness the death of her son in such a horrid way. And I can only imagine what it must be like for you to experience the pain you explained in your post. BUT~there is One who knows. Oh, how He knows your deepest pain and He knows how to comfort you deeply. Will be praying as you "crawl onto your Father's lap" and experience His tender mercy, grace, and love.

Angie
*No need to most this comment or any of my comments...just want to encourage and love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Lorraine, I am so sorry that you and Chrissie had to go through that. As a mother, it breaks my heart. As a human being, I just don't understand why they had to do that to her without local anesthetic. I am so sorry, big hugs to both of you.

Melanie said...

HIS healing arms are holding you and your precious Chrissie tightly as He rocks you both back and forth, back and forth.

Karien Prinlsoo said...

Just some hugs and a few tears with you!!

Jenna said...

Pouring out my heart in prayer for Chrissie and your whole family...

May JESUS CHRIST bless you and keep you,
Jenna

Carrie and Rowan said...

Oh Lorraine, I'm crying for you too right now. I'm so sorry you and Chrissie had to go through that. You did all that you could do, but I know how painful that was for you both. When Rowan was only 5 months old (and he only weighed about 8 lbs still) his gtube came out of his abdomen overnight and by the time I had gotten here to the er they told me they had to "dialate" the opening to get something back in there immediately or the hole would completely close up and he'd have to go back in to surgery for a new stoma (opening). Before I realized what that meant, they had a metal rod that they were jamming into the place where his gtube hole had been and turning it in circles to make the hole bigger again...all without any sedation or pain med at all! I cried and said stop, he needs something for pain first, but they said there was no time and no route to give him anything quick enough. It took 15 minutes of him screaming until he passed out, poor baby. And I felt like the worst mother in the world. I realized what they were saying and why they needed to do it, but it is so hard to watch your baby hurt in such an excruciating way and you can't do anything about it. But, Lorraine, you hit the nail on the head, God had you there to do all that anyone could do, cry with her and for her, pray over her, rub her hair, love her, tell her you love her, etc. She wouldn't have even had that if it weren't for you Lorraine, and I know you know that! May God bless your sweet and loving heart today and let her rest peacefully easing her anxiety and pain.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

p.s. Rowan is about to get another blood transfusion and iron infusion right now, but if you need anything this afternoon text me, call me or email me.

Love and continued prayers,
Carrie

Mom2HeathandKynzer said...

I am so sorry you are going thru this. My son's issues are totally different...but he has had 33 surgeries in his 8yrs. of life and many many more hospital stays. I know that feeling you get after a procedure where you are kicking yourself and saying why didn't I do more? Why didn't I stop them? You didn't because you are mama...and while we don't understand it...the doctors(most anyways)always have our kiddos best interest at heart and would never do anything to harm them or cause undue pain. But it is so hard as mama to watch it :( There have been times when Kynzer has looked at me and said...Mama...why are you letting them do this to me?? Totally broke my heart. He is only 8...so he doesn't understand it has to be done...I am 37 and I have a hard time understanding sometimes.
I do know that you are in a wonderful hospital...as a matter of fact I have a very close family friend that will be joining the staff at that hospital as a ped. cardiologist...and I know he wouldn't have chosen there if it weren't an awsome facility. He has done overseas work also...he was in Mongolia not long ago doing life saving procedures on some of the little kids over there. I just wanted to let you know from one mama to the other...I am praying for you and think you are doing an awsome job for your little princess!!

Anita

Lisa said...

I have been following your blog since Chrissy had her surgery. I am an RN who has worked in ICU, ER and Cath Lab. I also am a mom to 5 kids. I am infuriated that they did not numb her skin! We numb patients even if they are under anesthesia. It's the humane thing to do. I feel your agony as a mom. I know Chrissy is getting great care and this is just a blip on the screen, but still enough of one to make me comment!! Keep advocating for her. No one except God knows her as well as you do, no matter what their degree is.

Jillian Pierucci said...

Lorraine- I cannot merely imagine what you are feeling and felt and as you watched your daughter endure such pain. You have given me a real-life glimpse of Jesus on the cross, enduring pain for MY sake. I cannot bare to imagine that, but I sit here typing with a more grateful and humbled heart that my Jesus loves me in such a deep way, that even caused HIS LIFE! Thank you for speaking publicly about your thoughts. They are touching many and bringing HIM glory!! Keep reminding yourself that you are in the palm of His hands, and He works for the GOOD of those who love Him! I am praying for you and Chrissie that your salvation in Christ will be your protection!!

"I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me" Psalm 69:29

Peggy said...

Oh Lorraine Honey....I am so very sorry for your Mama pain. God impressed on my heart earlier this morning that you were the one who needed prayer....that you were worn, torn & tattered by the daily (often multiple) ups and downs that Chrissie suffers each day. He reminded me that in your Mama heart that you were suffering too as you watched your precious girl endure such assault to her little body. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers many times a day and that I am humbled by your faith in God. I am in awe of your ability (that we know comes from Him) to hang on to Him through such a crisis. I have often wondered if I would be able to hang on to Him the way that you are. I pray that it would be so.
Blessings, dear sister in Christ. May you climb into his lap and feel the comfort and peace that can only come from Him. I am so grateful for you to know that He won't disappoint you.
With love in Him,
Peggy

Kevin and Michele said...

Your poor, sweet baby. Reading your post made me sob for her. I can't believe how much she has gone through and is still fighting.
I didn't understand the "mother protection" feeling until we adopted our little guy last year and had to put him through 2 cleft surgeries; the second one having some issues with miscommunication from the staff that caused my little boy more hurt. I hate so much when he hurts and I am a big crier, I cry right along with him.
I pray God will take that memory of pain away from her and replace it with His gentle caress.

1001tears said...

As usual, we are reading about Dear Chrissie over lunch. And I am crying with you. You know this already, but you may feel helpless, but God is not helpless. What you said about the orphans with no mommy to hold them really broke my heart. My sweet girl had open-heart surgery in Beijing without a mommy. It saved her life and I'm forever grateful, but my heart will always be broken that I was not there for her. But God was! He is mighty to save and he can and does heal hearts!

Crying tears of sadness, joy, and every other emotion with you.

Your sister in Christ,
Amy
www.1001tears.blogspot.com

Momma Chae said...

Oh, you poor thing. Only a mom can stand unflinchingly by your side during something so awful. I'm so glad Chrissie has you and I hope and pray you have calmer days ahead.

mr_d8a said...

Let me begin by saying I don't know what you're going through. The only time I spent 30 days going to a hospital was to visit my father, not my daughter--an incredibly large difference. But I do know what it is like to grieve for a child in pain and I'm grieving with you today.

As a child certain painkillers didn't work with me. The dentist always took me seriously when I said that I felt pain, but when I had stitches once they told me that 13 was just a dramatic age. As an adult, we learned that I'm slow to respond to drugs in the caine family.

Once my daughter needed stitches. My husband took her in while I stayed with the 2wk-old baby. When they came home he was a basket case. She was obviously in pain, but the doctors insisted that was all of the drugs they could give her. They held her down and stitched her up. Nobody knew she had inherited her resistance from me and that the drugs needed another 20-30 minutes to take effect. It was a mistake, and I don't condemn anybody--but it was horrible. I can't imagine what it was like to not be able to speak during that time.

But let me offer you this hope. She remembers the incident and can tell you what the place looked like, sounded like, smelled like, but the pain is a blurry memory. God is so gracious that way. In the same way that we don't experience the pain of childbirth every time we remember birthing our children, our children don't re-experience physical pain.

I'm praying for your wounded mama's heart, and am so grateful for your honesty in sharing such an intimate moment with us, including strangers like me. May God grant you peace today.

Elisabeth

Family Rebuilding the Wall said...

I'm sending you big big (((HUGS))) and lifting you up to our Father in Heaven who is so pleased with your circumcised heart. What an absolutely precious "real-life" testimony...I will remember this post always.

ManyBlessings said...

You need to report this to the higher ups. Coming from a nurse here. It needs to be reported.

Amy said...

Praying for you and Chrissie today. Asking that the Lord would hold you both closely as He walks you through this valley. Praying that the mountain top is coming quickly.

Debi said...

In my heart, I am there beside you, crying with you. Not only wishing that I could absorb her pain and fear but more than anything else, crying out to God on her and your behalf.
Believing that God is right there with her, comforting your sweet princess and giving her strength. He is with you also- trust in His love and let His peace fill you.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Debi

To Love Endlessly said...

I cried and cried reading this. I can't even being to imagine what you are both going through. God surely put you in that little princess' world for a reason. I'm just praying, praying, praying!

Kara said...

my tears are flowing with yours. Thank you for sharing your tears as well as your righteous anger. My three-year-old girl has stopped asking why I cry as I hold her; my tears are the outpouring of my prayer for you to hold Chrissie and hear her sweet voice soon.

Courtney V said...

My heart breaks for you. God bless you and hold you close. May He be a shield about you and the lifter of your head even now in your hospital room.

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