- I Don't Wanna...say goodbye to my princess
- I Don't Wanna...learn how to plan a funeral, particularly one for my baby girl
- I Don't Wanna...pick out a casket
- I Don't Wanna...pick out the outfit my baby will wear in her casket
- I Don't Wanna...write the obituary for our Serbian Sensation
- I Don't Wanna...sleep in my own bed tonight, I long for the hospital recliner by my daughter's side
- I Don't Wanna...be home, I want the hospital by my daughter's side
- I Don't Wanna...stare at my precious angel's empty toddler bed, which is next to my bed
- I Don't Wanna...imagine waiting until Heaven to hear my sweet girl's laughter, excitement, squeals, bosses and giggles
- I Don't Wanna...not stare into the big, dark brown eyes of my Serbian Sensation
- I Don't Wanna...deliver the news to the orphanage where my daughter spent her first four years
- I Don't Wanna...learn how to live after the loss of a beloved child
The Truth is that Chrissie's life was not cut one day short. God numbered her days before He ever knit her in her mother's womb, before He ever called our family to be Chrissie's forever family. God knew that on May 19, 2010, Christyn Joy Patterson would go Home. Chrissie's greatest wish was a mommy and a daddy, and God knew that even though we would only have a total of 7 months with Chrissie (6 of those not spent in PICU), that He would make sure that Chrissie did NOT die an orphan. God's Word tells the orphan in John 14:18 that He will not leave them as orphans, He will come to them. God kept His Word to Chrissie. God could have taken Chrissie Home with Him on any other day of the year, at any point in Chrissie's life, but she was not to die an orphan. She was to experience the love of her forever family and die with her mother right beside her, which was Chrissie's biggest fear: "Momma no leave me." God chose a mom for Chrissie who would NEVER leave her side. I am humbled to have been that person, and it was my greatest pleasure in life to stay beside my daughter until the time of her Homecoming.
While Chrissie's life may appear to have been too short, God knew that Chrissie would live to be 4 years 7 months and 11 days before she danced with Jesus. We could have chosen to postpone her surgery or not even do it at all, but we knew that was just as great of a risk as going forward with it. If we had not chosen surgery, Chrissie would have died in our arms at home on this very day. The difference would have been that most of you who are reading this would have never known our Serbian Sensation. She would have died a quiet death at home, one that you would have never read about or even cared about for that matter. God had HUGE plans for His precious jewel, Christyn Joy ("Jewelry") Patterson, and His plans for her have been completely fulfilled.
The last 7 months of our lives have been the greatest and the hardest times of our entire existence. Every second of every day since Chrissie officially joined our family on October 14, 2009, has been worth it. None of us would trade it for the world. The amount of pain we're in will not triumph the joy Chrissie brought to our family and to all those who met her in real life as well as those who only knew her through this blog. Chrissie accomplished more for His Kingdom over the past 31 days than most of us will accomplish in our lifetime.
I want you to know that Chrissie battled this fight with all her heart. Seriously. Her heart continued to beat as she fought for her life this morning. Chrissie's heart was healed here, and she was determined to proclaim His healing to the world. Chrissie didn't give up her fight; God bossed her heart into perfect submission with His will. May 19, 2010, the day Chrissie would dance with Jesus, leaving this world with her forever mommy by her side as Jesus welcomed her into His arms, holding her with a Love greater than her earthly mommy's love. I know it must have hurt Chrissie to be the one to choose to leave her mommy, but she was the boss and I fulfilled my promise to never leave her, as she so boldly requested time and time again.
Christyn Joy Patterson, we will never leave you, sweet girl. You will always hold a special place in each of our hearts that will never be the same. You have left your fingerprint on more lives than we'll ever be able to count. Our hearts will never be the same. Oh, how my heart aches to hold you and love you and kiss you and stare into your sparkling brown eyes and pinch those precious chubby cheeks of yours, the ones that have a dimple just below your eye, like no other cheek I've ever seen. Baby Doll, I love you so very much, and thank you, my precious angel, for forever changing my heart and my life. Thank you for the best 7 months I've ever lived, sweet love.
I know you're able to see my tears streaming down my face, and I know you're telling me, "Momma no cry. Momma no boo-boo." You always cared so much about my happiness. I want you to know, Precious Angel, that mommy will be OK because your Father loves me as much as He loves you, sweet girl, and that is a love like no one can ever fathom. He will hold me and comfort me and enable me to go on living here on earth without you, but I want you to know, my love, that my heart will never be the same. And I thank you for that gift, baby girl. Your life is to be celebrated and applauded. You are one amazing warrior princess, girlfriend. I love you with all my heart, and one day, hopefully very soon, Mommy will hold your perfect hand in Heaven where we will walk together eternally, hand in hand, heart to heart, mother and daughter.
Mommy and Chrissie, January 8, 2010