Happy 11th Birthday, Sawyer

I just read what I wrote last year on Sawyer's 10th birthday.  Click HERE to read it.  I started crying after I read it.  I hate so much that Sawyer lost his baby sister, Chrissie.  Oh how he loved her.  How we all loved her.  It's so, so, so hard to watch our children suffer the loss of their sister.  So.  So.  Hard.  Tears.

More tears.

April is an emotional month for us. 

Kiefer joined our family on April 3, 2010.

Sawyer's birthday is April 5.

Chrissie went into the hospital on April 19, 2010, for her open-heart surgery.  And she never came home.

More tears.

I so would love to write a birthday post to Sawyer this year just like what I wrote last year for Sawyer.  Actually, I could write the same thing.  But Sawyer's life and heart is different now that he has lived for almost a year without his baby sister.

I didn't mention in last year's post that Sawyer used to always tell us that he really wanted to always be the baby of the family.  He didn't want us to adopt anyone younger than him. 

Until he heard about Chrissie.

The night that Sawyer heard about Chrissie (summer of 2009) is the night God took Sawyer's heart and tenderized it even further.  After reading Chrissie's story, Sawyer said, "Mom, I don't want to be the baby of the family any more.  I want us to adopt Chrissie.  We can't leave her in Serbia to die.  She would die alone.  She would die as an orphan.  I would never be able to stand it if we did that to her.  We have to go get her.  We have to rescue her."

Sawyer, I am SO, SO, SO proud of you for who you are.  My heart swells when I think of you willingly giving up your position as the baby of the family so that Chrissie could have a forever family and not die as an orphan in Serbia.

Now, what I really hate, is that I wrote last year about how Sawyer couldn't stand for even the grass to die.  Why in the world did I choose to write about that?!?  I never once thought that Chrissie would die.  I seriously didn't.  I believed with 150% confidence that God was going to heal her here on earth.  I just find it odd that I included that detail about Sawyer in last year's birthday post, the detail that he used to sneak water to the grass and plants during the Texas drought because it broke his heart to watch them wither.

That's the part of last year's birthday post that brought me to tears.  I wish so much that I could change the outcome of Chrissie's surgery, but I am not God, I am not sovereign, and I'm so glad I'm NOT Him (and I know you are, too!!!). 

I don't even know what to type.  Every time I type a sentence, I delete it.  I don't even know what to say.

Sawyer, I am so, so, so sorry that you lost your baby sister. 

Tears.

I do not know your heart, Sawyer.  I am your momma, but I am not God.  I do not know how many pieces your heart shattered into when Chrissie went to heaven, but I know that God knows.  I know that He is capable of gluing it all back together, and I know He's able to bring healing to the innermost places that ache deeper than anything we can ever explain.  I know that there are areas of hurt in your life that you cannot even share with me, but I pray that God will heal those areas and use this experience for good because you love Him and are called according to His purpose. 

Buckshot, I know how much you hate injustice.  I know how much you want to save the hurting.  I know how much you want every child to have a mommy and daddy who love them.  I know how much you want to adopt every orphan out there.  I know how much you loved Chrissie.  I know how much it hurt to have her leave our family on earth to go live with Jesus.

I know how deeply you love.  I know how awesome you are.  I know how you've said over and over and over again that you would have still said yes to adopting Chrissie even if  you knew she would be going to heaven on May 19, 2010.  I know how you've welcomed a total of 7 adopted siblings into our family, 5 of those being younger than you.  I know how selfless you are.  I know how you help each and every sibling of yours, even when no one is looking, even when no one asks you to.  I know how you run to baby Selah when you hear her whimper.  I know how you play with Kiefer as if he's your best friend.  I know how you sing silly songs and tell silly stories with Ella.  I know how you encourage Asher to make good choices so he can play outside with you.  I know how you encourage Naomi to speak English, how you joke with her to get her to laugh like no one else can.  I know how you talk Meribeth into playing basketball with you.  I know how you still like to crawl into Mattie's twin bed with her so she'll tickle your back.  I know how you admire your big brother, Parker, and how you help him with his chores so that he'll be able to spend more time playing with you.

What I don't think you know is how much I admire you.  Oh how I wish I had a heart like yours, Buckshot.  To see you as an 11-year-old boy, selfless and full of love and justice for the hurting, brings me to tears.  You've had so much to overcome in your life, and you've done it with such a gracious warrior spirit.  You have a heart like King David's, which God called "a heart like His".  What a gift that is, Sawyer.  I am just so proud of you for who you are, my son.

You'll always be my "baby", Buckshot.  Happy 11th birthday, son.  I love you with all my heart.

Just in case you're wondering, those are diapers on their heads!!!

Our little Chihuahua, Angel, was cold, so Sawyer stuck her in his shirt to warm her up.